All Things Computed
The Absurd Ramblings of a Computer Trainer
This book is dedicated to all the students who have endured my strange humor over the years. Perhaps some of them learned something. But mostly, I hope they enjoyed the classes.
Note: This text is excerpted from Luther Maddy’s All Things Coputed - the absurd ramblings of a computer trainer.
Understanding Computer Terminology
Video: Understanding Computer Terminology
In the first chapter I clearly established, beyond a reasonable doubt, that computers were introduced as part of a plot to drive all of us insane.
Today, while almost everyone is nearing insanity, yet there are still a few holdouts, and perhaps you are one of them. Realize though, the devious forces pushing technology on us all are still hoping to achieve the total breakdown of society. For this to happen, everyone, including you, must be inducted into the cult of the computer.
To accomplish this goal these dark forces have sent missionaries into all facets of society to recruit cult members. These evangelists, probably former KGB agents, try to spark innocent curiosity in the unindoctrinated by using computer terminology. They will casually insert terms like: Bits and BYTEs, RAM and ROM, CHIPs and DIP, BUS and BIOS, CO-PROCESSOR and Cache, AI and Algorithms, MEGAHERTZ, and VPN into their conversations.
These terms are often bantered about at gatherings of new cult converts to belittle those who have no idea what they are talking about. If the truth be known, there new converts actually have no idea what these words mean either. They just use them to set themselves apart from the uninitiated, those have not yet sold their souls to a computer or smart phone.
Just ask your grandparents and they will surely tell you about trying to learn to use the Commander 64.
If you’re worried about not understanding all those ridiculous terms, don’t be. Trying to understand this new and useless vocabulary is the first step to madness. Just realize computers and smart phones can be confusing, frustrating, and even dangerous and you’ll be fine. That’s all you need to really know.
Computer terms, in fact, don't matter in the least. However, if you ever hear one of these terms slip off your own tongue, it’s probably already too late. If you start talking about upgrading your RAM, hash tagging your status, or using a cat bot, PLEASE seek professional help immediately. Your sanity and your ability to function as a contributing member of society is at stake.
Now that we have covered the basics, there are a couple of computer terms you should be very comfortable with. Of all the terms you will hear around computers and smart phones, there are only two that are of any importance whatsoever. These two vastly significant terms are ON and OFF.
When your computer or smart phone is ON, it is active and will affect your coherence and stifle your ability to accomplish anything that could remotely be considered useful. Computers and smart phones are extremely dangerous when ON. The ON state should be avoided whenever possible.
A computer or smart phone that is OFF is safer, but still not harmless. Even when OFF a computer or smart phone will affect your thoughts. You do not even have to be in the same room with it, or even have it turned on, for it to drive you mad. It calls to your subconscious, begging you to turn it back on. It needs you and you need it. You are codependent entities.
To change your device from ON to the much safer OFF, you must first find the ON/OFF switch or button. Because computers and smart phones do not like to be turned off, they use two tactics to make this very difficult. First, computers and smartphones like to hide. Your desktop computer usually finds a dark place under your desk, behind all the drawers or garbage can. And who knows where your smart phone took off to. You can spend hours trying to find it.
Secondly, the switch or buttons to turn your devices off are usually hidden or very difficult to access. Turing off your smart phone you will usually require performing finger acrobatics by pressing seventeen buttons in a specific, but nearly impossible order.
Once you find your device, hit every button or switch you can find on its front, side or back until it is off. Once you locate the ON/OFF switch you should push it, pull it, or slam it until the computer or smart phone is indeed OFF.
Computers dislike the OFF state and will probably whir, moan and grind to simulate pain.
Your smart phone will likely ask you fifteen times to verify that you are sure you want to turn it off. It will even threaten to call 911 to prevent you from shutting it down.
When all else fails, try to locate the power cord feeding life into the monster and pull the plug. Older smart phones allowed you to pull out the battery to kill them. Newer phones have made accessing their main power source nearly impossible.
After the device is off, if at all possible, lock your computer or smart phone in a closet, maybe even a safe, and keep it there.
Finally, remember that people don’t go insane or become screen gazing zombies for no reason at all, it takes a device to get them there. And it usually starts by listening to anyone who uses computer terminology.
